This time next week I’ll be freaking out
I will hopefully be sleeping since I’ll have to be up at 3:30am to get to the airport, but I will most likely be an absolute ball of anxiety. I may need to get a diazepam or something for the night before I leave. I’ll probably be fine the day of since I’ll be so exhausted, but still.
I know it’s so illogical to be freaking out. But I will. I am already. Again, this is such a weird feeling.
Such a weird feeling
I’m leaving for my summer job on the East Coast in 10 days. I still have a lot to do before then, but it’s so weird to be sitting in my recliner in my parents’ family room watching HGTV Design Star and knowing that in less than two weeks I won’t be sitting here. Instead I’ll be in a dorm room in New England going through employee orientation for the college prep program, hanging out with people that today I don’t even know they exist, and truly living on my own for the first time. I’ve been keeping track of how many days/months before I leave for some time now, but this is so awkward. I’m excited and it feels like it’s so far away, but it also feels like it’s so close.
This is just a bizarre feeling. I tried to articulate it better on my other blog, in this post located here (or click through the title of this post).
Shocker of the day…
If anyone was placing bets…I’m not going to Florida tomorrow. Shock, I know. I’ve managed to talk myself out of it, or rather I couldn’t truly talk myself into it. I do miss one of my best friends, but aside from seeing her and just proving to myself that I could get on a plane and travel by myself, there was nothing I was going for (personally, I’m not a fan of theme parks, or the current weather in Florida, etc.). If I’m going to go someplace, I want it to be really worth my time. The main reason I was going to go was just to get out of Illinois for the first time in almost 7 years. I was going just for the sake of going. And there were like 20 people on the standby flight list already for like 10 seats, so I probably would be stuck at the airport all day and never get a flight anyway.
Either that, or subconsciously I’m afraid that if I can’t truly have fun at “the happiest place on Earth”, I’m afraid of what that will do to my psyche. I wasn’t excited about going, and that’s not fair to her. I’m sure it would be fun for the most part, but I’m just not in the mindset to try to go out and do all these fun things right now. I suck so much at making decisions though. I literally went back and forth 100 times today about it, to the point where I was lying on the floor of the living room practically in tears from the stress of it.
If tomorrow afternoon I really regret not going, then I’ll look into flight availability for Thursday.
Right now I’m still needing a change of scenery, but not necessarily Florida. I’m thinking I might go on a solo day trip to the Dunes in Indiana or Michigan - someplace I’ve never been before, where I can spend the day and clear my head. I’m way too stressed right now to bring other people into it. I need to do something just for myself right now. Also contemplating buying tix to Celine’s Las Vegas show for the beginning of August, and literally flying out just for that (7:30 show, try to take the first flight of the day, hang out all day, go to her show, and then take the redeye back. No hotel needed). But of course, we all know that’s not going to happen.
And on a semi-related note…I really should see about switching my BCP…I started the pack 2 days ago and it’s like my serotonin levels plummeted. I went from being afraid of flying because the plane would crash and I’d die to being unsettling complacent/not having any anxiety about flying (which may or may not be a bad thing?) I don’t think hormone levels would change that much in 2 days, but anything is possible.
Off On a Tangent: On Missing Out
In this Sunday’s NYT Jenna Wortham explored the phenomenon acronymized as FOMO, where that very fear of missing out on all things wonderful and fabulous has only been exacerbated by social media. Because when people you know are at parties with cool people (with pictures, to boot!) why shouldn’t…
Read this. It’s brilliant. And totally true.
"I enjoyed time by myself—I especially loved to read—but while I had a lot of friends & also loved hanging out with them, I often had a low-grade anxiety, a fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, of offending someone, of not being witty or sexy or cool enough, all buzzing in the background of my thoughts when I was in a social situation."
- Anthony Rapp, Without You (via themonstersthativebeen)
(via detectivejulietohara)
Day 09
Two things you wish you could do
- Be less stressed/anxious about small things
- sing well
Day 04
Seven fears/phobias
- Spiders
- Bees
- Failure
- Being attacked (and along with that, walking alone at night)
- Having my apartment broken into
- Some social situations
- Ending up alone
Day 01
10 random facts about yourself:
- I’ll be 24 years old in less than a month and that seems very weird/not-real to me
- I would never be able to take dance out of my life. I’ve tried, and it always comes back
- I’m extremely indecisive when it comes to my future
- I was a lot more independent when I was younger than I am now
- I’m a little disappointed that I gave up on some of the dreams I had as a teenager
- I make to-do lists every day
- I’m very intelligent
- I have [social] anxiety
- I really like to cook
- I don’t like donuts, but if everyone else is eating them I will too
